Sometimes, even though you know all the facts about your life, you still need someone to say them out loud to you to remind you when you get hard on yourself or drown in comparison or feel behind.
My friend reminded me:
You have a full-time job
You have a family and young kids
You have a house to run
You have a podcast that you care about most
You are writing daily
You are doing your best
I hope you have a friend like that.
I have this lie in my head that I need to read something new before I am able write. The lie says I don’t have anything to say today. I did not listen to a new podcast or audiobook or read in my books or any new article. It was a family day, what is there to write about?
The lie is so persistent. I feel edgy. I feel the need to go read one or 2 chapters to get inspired then come back to writing.
I know all what they say about writing, you just need to show up, set a timer and type until that timer goes off and get done with it. Just type.
Ok here I am typing. But I don’t have anything to say today and people are writing way better than I write. Why am I doing this?
I am sharing those lies with you that Jon Acuff calls Soundtracks, maybe you can recognize one of your own?
Wonder with me. How better I would feel in a few minutes when I hit “publish”, and how much worse if I wake up tomorrow knowing I missed my daily post on purpose.
That’s why I need to stop writing at night. The resistance is at its highest with too many excuses to count. In the morning this rarely happens. I need to respect my creative routines and make this process easier not harder.
I shared with you the excuses and lies my mind are telling me to sabotage my new writing habit.
I did not listen. Not only that, but I’ve been also showing up here for three consecutive month.
I’m proud and grateful.
I’m happy to report that based on Rescuetime reports my digital habits have indeed improved in April where my average daily consumption decreased by 70 minutes compared to March 2021 to be 6h21m.
I have not posted much on Instagram compared to March which might be the reason my screentime decreased. Hence, my followers’ growth was the slowest so far this year.
What’s working:
What’s not working:
In May, I want to post more while still respecting my family time evenings and my official working hours.
Let’s see how this goes. I feel hopeful that I almost found the formula that works for me and my digital sanity as a content creator.
If only we could gather in bottles those high energy elevated feelings of times when we are at our best, to spray some when we need them in tougher times, wouldn’t that be great?
Or, we could examine the components of our high energy state by asking what’s happening inside us and around us.
Here are the notes of my current fragrance:
Next time I want to feel this way I just need to look at what I can control out of this list and make it happen.
What is on your list?
I read a comment the other day on Marie Forleo’s blog where a lady said that her trick to avoid decision fatigue, in addition to planning her weekly meals, is planning her work outfits every weekend! I thought this was genius because this crossed my mind a couple of times, especially when I skip this step in my evening routine because I feel too tried to decide and end up late to work next day trying to creatively match my outfit. Not to mention how this is so embarrassing given I wake up at 5am for my morning routine, which surely does not include outfit creativity.
So, I am not saying I am committing to weekend outfit planning just yet, I am saying I will definitely try it now that the weather is becoming reliably warmer. Also, I do get Mr. Obama and Mr. Zuckerberg’s choice of daily uniform more than ever.
While Journaling this morning I noticed that during the recent 3-day family vacation I could easily play and act goofy with my kids.
One reason is their sweet age of 7 and 5, which means much less care-taking activities around the pool compared to previous years. During our stay, I looked at the toddlers’ pool with some admiration but more of a relief that I am skipping it along with the 10 visits to its bathroom.
Another reason I played more with them is not having the option of doing something else “more productive” around the house like laundry or cleaning. With my full-time job and occupied evenings of doing and submitting their homework I only get to play with them for a short time, but while playing I do not feel at ease, like I need to get going to the next thing on my list which might be their dinner or bedtime preparations. Staying present in this case is a challenge for me and I know they could tell. However, this new-found awareness will help me start noticing the habitual, yet ignorable, unease during playtime. That’s what it is, an old habit of mine.
Another actionable insight I got is that I may need more help around the house, more than the current schedule of once-a-week visit by my mother’s helper, to be able to do other things like care-free play with the kids. True, this could be just an excuse I’m making for not playing more often. Or, based on how I felt in the last few days, it is exactly what I need.
Vacations are still a new dynamic for us as family. This change of routine and its impact on our relationships is why we need them.
I am one of those people who gets pretty excited whenever there is a software update for my phone or for a favorite app like Evernote (I’ve been loving their recent desktop version updates so much by the way). I make sure to read the release notes and notice the design changes in the user interface.
When I download a new app I almost always take screenshots of the introduction tutorial presentation. I enjoy the wording the developers/designers carefully curate and images they select to match it. These habits and screenshots feed my visual taste of what looks good and what doesn’t. It’s a very important skill to hone because taste does get better with experience and practice.
Are you working on your design skills?
You can do it all, but not at once.
This is a piece of wisdom that I frequently go back to. The first time I heard it was probably from Oprah. Still, every time I hear it, it feels like news to me and like a soothing balm to my anxious yearnings.
The amazing Derek Sivers reminded me of it in his interview with Tim Ferriss. He said this is the advice he would give to his 30-year-old self. At that age we feel paralyzed by too many choices and the fear of choosing the wrong thing. What Derek says is just choose something, stick with it for a few years, then switch to something else.
I meet a lot of 30 year olds who are trying to pursue many different directions at once, but not making progress in any, right? Or they get frustrated that the world wants them to pick one thing because they want to do them all. I get a lot of this frustration like, “But I want to do this and that and this and that. Why do I have to choose? I don’t know what to choose.” But the problem is if you’re thinking short term, then you’re acting as if you don’t do them all this week that they won’t happen. But I think the solution is to think long term, to realize that you can do one of these things for a few years and then do another one for a few years and then another.
-Derek Sivers
A book I recommend that mentions this idea is Designing Your Life, the authors call it prototyping Odyssey plans. Here is an excerpt for you.
We’re going to ask you to imagine and write up three different versions of the next five years of your life. We call these Odyssey Plans.
Life One—That Thing You Do. Your first plan is centered on what you’ve already got in mind—either your current life expanded forward or that hot idea you’ve been nursing for some time. This is the idea you already have—it’s a good one and it deserves attention in this exercise.
Life Two—That Thing You’d Do If Thing One Were Suddenly Gone. It happens. Some kinds of work come to an end. Almost no one makes buggy whips or Internet browsers anymore. The former are out of date and the latter are given away free with your operating system, so buggy whips and browsers don’t make for hot careers. Just imagine that your life one idea is suddenly over or no longer an option. What would you do? You can’t not make a living. You can’t do nothing. What would you do? If you’re like most people we talk with, when you really force your imagination to believe that you have to make a living doing something other than doing That Thing You Do, you’ll come up with something.
Life Three—The Thing You’d Do or the Life You’d Live If Money or Image Were No Object. If you knew you could make a decent living at it and you knew no one would laugh at you or think less of you for doing it—what would you do? We’re not saying you suddenly can make a living doing this and we can’t promise no one will laugh (though they rarely do), but we are saying imagining this alternative can be a very useful part of your life design exploration.
-Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life
I’ve never done this exercise before but maybe it’s time I do.
I was attending one of Jon Acuff’s events that he was doing for the launch of his great new book Soundtracks that I am currently enjoying in his voice. One of the attendees asked him how to overcome fear of doing something new. He answered so eloquently that the question itself is defective. We never actually overcome fear, fear will always be there, but the real question is: how do we do move forward through fear? How do we do something while still being scared?
One prominent answer that comes to mind is Elizabeth Gilbert’s advice to talk to your fear and tell it that it may come for the ride, but it may never drive.
Read on.
In a podcast interview she said:
“You, fear, are part of this family and you have a place here and you’re just as much a part of the family as creativity is. You’re just as much part of the family as longing and all the other human emotions. I will never tell you to leave. You get to be in the minivan with the rest of the family. I just can’t let you drive because you’re seven years old. You’re too little. You’re not allowed to drive. You can be with us, but you’re going to have to sit in the back with the other kids: anxiety, panic, terror, all of them.”
-Elizabeth Gilbert
In her book Big Magic she said:
“It isn’t always comfortable or easy—carrying your fear around with you on your great and ambitious road trip—but it’s always worth it, because if you can’t learn to travel comfortably alongside your fear, then you’ll never be able to go anywhere interesting or do anything interesting. And that would be a pity, because your life is short and rare and amazing and miraculous, and you want to do really interesting things and make really interesting things while you’re still here.”
-Elizabeth Gilbert
Liz also recommends writing a letter to fear :
When I’m feeling particularly shaky and unsure of myself. I give my fear a chance to express itself, formally, in writing. I ask my fear, “What are you actually terrified about, in this situation?”
And I make an effort of listening, with respect.
(It’s amazing how seldom we do this — listen to our fear, with respect. We’re always trying to punch it in the face, or kick its ass, or run away from it. But we seldom let it speak.)
I’m always amazed by what comes up. Often, I think I know what I’m afraid of, but when my fear is given a chance to actually speak, I’m surprised at what the real issue is.
The other thing I keep learning, when I let my fear have a chance to make its case, is that my fear is not (contrary to how it often feels) BOTTOMLESS.
Fear and anxiety can feel like they have infinite depths, like they are afraid of EVERYTHING, but usually they are just afraid of 2 or 3 very specific things, once you look closely.
And sometimes those 2 or 3 three things are pretty reasonable. Usually, the letter that my fear writes to me is quite short, and very precise.
And once I see what those 2 or 3 issues are, what I’m actually afraid of…well, now we can talk about it. Like adults. Like friends.
And that’s when I can write a letter back to fear, thanking it for its thoughts and contributions, but gently explaining what we are going to do now that all the information has been reported.
…
Your fear should always be allowed to have a voice, and a seat in the vehicle of your life. But whatever you do — don’t let your fear DRIVE.
Isn’t she brilliant!?
More about fear in the next post.
I’ve been geeking over the author and Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson who created the term Psychological Safety. This turned out to be the most important factor in making teams work.
Dr. Amy defines Psychological Safety as “shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking”.
Also quoted here: “People must be allowed to voice half-finished thoughts, ask questions out of left field, and brainstorm out loud in order to create a culture that truly innovates.”
There are many resources to delve into Dr. Amy’s great work like her book The Fearless Organization. Her TED talk is a great start. Very impressive work.