advice

Have You Watered The Forest?

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Have you watered the forest?

This will be my new relationships mantra! I loved it when I heard it mentioned by the author and podcaster Shane Parrish in his interview with Tim Ferris. He said he always asked himself this question to check if he’s making deposits into the key relationships in his life, his kids and his wife: 

Have you watered the forest enough, or would a little spark set it on fire?

If we nurture our relationships enough, if we water them with little acts of kindness and care, then little problems would stay that way, little, and not turn into big fires that wipe them out.

Best Relationship metaphor I have heard in a while. 

Watering relationship forests is not only about avoiding fires; it’s also about turning the leaves of the forest trees into lavish, luscious greens and growing resilient branches and deep roots that would withstand storms.

Reflecting on this, I also thought that we could say water the garden, but first, it’s not as cool as saying water the forest; second, watering forests is a better reminder because it is an act of God, so we think it will happen naturally, but that’s not how relationships work. We need to be intentional about growing our relationships. We need to make time for calls, texts, and getting together. It does not just happen.

Review your planned goals for this year and check how many are relationship-related. Only a few, if not at all, yes? Although many studies have proved that humans thrive on connection and nurturing relationships, we still do not act on this.

Let’s be wiser and let watering the forest be a goal for us this year.

Have You Watered The Forest?

The Subtle Signals: How to Know When You’re Off Track

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How do you know you are off track? 

What are the signs that you are not at your best, out of shape, or not doing well?

This is a list of what my goals group shared when I asked this question, and I added some of my own: 

  • Clutter at home or office.
  • Food rotting in the fridge.
  • Ordering Junk Food/Takeout.
  • Laundry accumulates and, if done, remains on the couch for days.
  • Skipping positive practices like gratitude journaling.
  • Forgetfulness.
  • Pains in your body.
  • Getting sick again.
  • Not going out in the sun.
  • Not walking or moving body.
  • Feeling sleepy most of the time and dragging oneself to places.
  • Skipping skin routines.
  • Skipping showers.
  • Oversleeping more than usual.
  • Not answering other people’s messages for days.
  • Not initiating contact with other people.
  • Forgetting what it means to feel inspired by an idea.
  • No curiosity or excitement.
  • No music in your life.
  • Easily irritable.
  • Snapping at others.
  • Road rage.

What are your signs that you are off track? 

Define your list, and when you notice one of the signs, let it trigger you to ask yourself, “What do you need?” over and over, and then wait for the answer.

After that, take action.

I love to ask myself this question on paper and write whatever comes to mind.

Sometimes, the answer is to ask for help. 

The Subtle Signals: How to Know When You’re Off Track

How To Talk To Your Self

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I listened to a beautiful podcast episode about self-talk, where psychologist Ethan Kross shared that positive self-talk works better when addressing yourself in the third person or using “you” instead of “I,” according to his research. So, if your name is Tala, your self-talk should go like: “You got this, Tala” instead of “I got this.” This method is called distancing, and it works better for motivation.  

Also, we can try superhero self-talk. Kids can significantly benefit from this technique when performing a difficult task. They think of a favorite superhero character and then talk to themselves like this: “Super Tala, you got this; you did harder stuff than this; you can do it.” 

We might notice we are not kind in our self-talk after making a mistake, so here is the part where we need self-compassion practice. 

The one and only Kristin Neff joined the conversation with three steps to practice self-compassion, which, unlike what you would think, makes us more resilient and confident rather than lenient. 

  1. Step 1: Mindfulness: I am having a hard time. This situation hurts. 
  2. Step 2: Recognizing our shared humanity: I am not the only one experiencing a hard time. It’s part of being human. Other people feel just like me. I am not alone. 
  3. Step 3: Kindness to oneself. Practicing kindness could be placing your hand on your heart and talking gently to yourself like you would a dear friend, and we go back here to self-talk best practices; “It’s ok, dear Tala. You will be ok.” 

I found this helpful episode this morning after having a hard time in extreme Monday morning traffic that added 30 minutes to my daily drive. I really wanted to blame someone for it, but mindfulness helped me notice the intensity of my anger. I kept practicing the psychological sigh: two breaths in through the nose and a long one out of the mouth until I felt better. 

As I listened, I noticed I was missing steps 2 and 3 from the self-compassion practice in my car this morning. Alas, I will use them next time.

Will you?  

How To Talk To Your Self

What Resentment Is Saying

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If a phone ring makes your spine crawl, something has to change. 

Are you worried you will receive another request from a client, manager, colleague, or partner? 

This visceral reaction could be one of the following:

  • You are on the verge of burnout. Exhausted from doing too much for too long.
  • You have feelings of resentment. 

The underlying feeling of resentment is surprise, surprise, envy, not anger, as Brene Brown revealed in her book Atlas of the Heart. You feel resentful because you want to experience what others are experiencing. 

For example, if you resent someone for resting, it’s not about being angry they are not doing their share of the workload; it’s because you want to rest.

If you resent someone for dressing nicely, it’s because you want to dress nicely too, not because you are angry they are wasting their money.

David Allen said he felt the phone call spine crawl at some point, which means his business burdened him because he felt the transaction with the calling client was unfair; his company was doing more than they were getting paid for. So, how did they solve it? They raised their prices, and the phone call dread went away. 

Where do you feel resentment in your life? 

What do you feel is missing?

What do you want more of? And less of? 

Sitting for a few minutes and writing answers will help you define where you need to ask for help.

Is it the kids’ homework, the house chores, or the monthly report? 

Do you feel resentful because other people are having alone time, seeing their friends, or traveling?

These feelings can turn into goals with action plans. They could be conversation starters with significant people about support and what it looks like for you. These feelings could be your signal to learn to say no and to ask for more.

How can you make an easy wish happen soon? 

Do you need connection time? Plan that coffee date with your friend.

Is your body aching and needs movement? Look at the week ahead week and allocate time for walking, or better yet, with a friend; health and relationship goals in one.

Resentment is a masked wish for change. Listen to it with curiosity; it is here for guidance.

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What Resentment Is Saying

Do this before you leave for the weekend.

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1. Celebrate: 

What did you accomplish this week? Write a short list to keep track of the progress you made.

2. Leave breadcrumbs: 

Write notes to help you know exactly where you left things off so you can easily pick up work the next time, no matter when. For example, if it’s an excel sheet, take note of the sheet name you were working on, specify the analysis you need to do next, and so on. This step helps your momentum build up fast the next time you start working on this excel sheet. 

3. Check your calendar for the upcoming week:

Are there any meetings that need preparation beforehand? Any personal appointments you need to account for? Any occasions you need to consider?

5. Write a short to-do list of tasks you must check off next week:  

This list will help you save time transitioning from the eventful weekend you just had back to work mode. 

4. Book meetings you need to get done next week:

People are more likely to accept your meeting request before the weekend than within the same work week.

Happy Weekend!

Do this before you leave for the weekend.

How to Make Decluttering Fun?

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Welcome to your new beginning; this is your clean slate. Every week you get a chance to start again.

How was your first 2023 week?

I spent hours decluttering my office at work last week, and it felt so good. Whenever I thought I was done, I found myself pushing forward, looking again with fresh eyes, and tackling another area I had dismissed. I got rid of old blank agendas I saved because I would never use old agendas. I got rid of the cardboard boxes of my keyboard, stapler, and calculator, which I had kept for years. I got rid of a small dead cactus in my office and gave my mum the pot to plant something new for me. I piled used-up three-wick glass candle jars to wash and repurpose at home; half a dozen of them. I wiped my whiteboard clean to write something new this week. I took the seat pillow I have for lower back support, washed it at home, and brought it back today. I set reminders to read some paper documents I stored, like hard copies of training material. I put away my little Christmas decorations in one bag.

The same thing happened at home; I tackled my hanged clothes and the shoe area underneath, which blew up recently. I got rid of 11 pairs I have worn out or don’t love anymore. I could have gotten rid of more, like some formal shoes that I remember were cruel to my toes, but I love how they look and put them on only once or twice. I did not want to make the process harder for myself, so I decided to keep them until I could test my suspicions the next nigh-out.

I am making decluttering fun with two things:

  1. Listening to audiobooks and podcasts (Temptation bundling strategy).
  2. Taking before and after pictures and sending them to my small decluttering WhatsApp group (Community strategy).

Sending the after pictures is the way to celebrate the new identity we are building, of people mindful of their living spaces. Celebrating is key to turning a behavior into a habit, according to the book Tiny Habits. I made a lot of progress in decluttering consistency last year, and I’ll continue to do so this year until I stop treating it as a project. By the way, we send images that can be seen once to avoid polluting each other’s phone galleries (a feature in WhatsApp you might not know exists, you’re welcome).

I easily chose my outfit this morning after getting rid of those ugly metal hangers and summer clothes in the way, and I came to the office excited about not seeing stacks of paper on my desk. I’m ready to give up the old to allow the new and do my best work this year.

I wish you the same.

P.S. This post appeared first in my weekly newsletter The Sunday Spark.

How to Make Decluttering Fun?

How to choose what to focus on before the end of the year?

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Use your feelings:

  • What would be a relief to get over with before the end of the year? 
  • What is something don’t you want to be talking about planning to do next year? Instead, you want to say it’s done!

Use joy and regret:

  • Joy: Yes! It would be great to get this done. 
  • Regret: I would regret not getting this done now!

Use the calendar:

  • Is there an event you want to be ready for?
  • Is there an externally-imposed deadline that you need to meet?  

If you listed several answers, let these questions help you prioritize :

  • Is there a sense of urgency, time-sensitive or otherwise?
  • Did you promise to do it? 
  • Are you expected to do it?
  • Is it required by your management? 
  • What is at stake if you don’t get it done? 

Tip: Replace (the end of the year) with the end of the week/month/quarter, your Birthday, Christmas, Ramadan, or trip. You get the picture. 

How to choose what to focus on before the end of the year?

Simply profound life lesson from 45 years of marriage

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I asked my parents-in-law, who celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary a few days ago, about their top lessons over the years. Their answers went beyond marriage lessons to life lessons. 

My mother-in-law said:

  1.  Practise patience; it pays off.
  2. Sometimes things don’t work out right when you want them to, but they eventually will. 
  3. Respect is key to sustain relationships, especially in marriage.
  4. Do good unto others and forget about it. Don’t expect them to return the favor. 

My father-in-law said:

  1.  Faith is essential; it carried him through many hard days. When you feel like there is no way out, God always forges a path. He’s the one to give to our problems. 
  2. Marital problems are private and should not leave the house. 
  3. Since their engagement, he and my mother-in-law agreed to share people’s joys and sorrows by attending weddings and funerals. As importantly, they made sure to visit the sick, and people around them sincerely appreciated these meaningful habits.

Happy anniversary dear ones. We are blessed to have you. May you enjoy a long healthy life and keep spoiling our kids. 

Simply profound life lesson from 45 years of marriage

Pain Management

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I gained great the insights from this podcast interview of Nir Eyal with Greg McKeown where he said “Time Management is Pain Management” meaning if we know how to manage our uncomfortable feelings we will be better able to manage our time. We are the ones who initiate distraction to feel better emotions.

There is no harm in indulging in social media or Netflix as long as we do it with intention. Plan to spend an hour on those things in a certain time of the day, then when that time comes enjoy it guilt-free.

The experience is radically different when done on purpose rather than as an escape mechanism.

Pain Management