I have taken a six-week course with my favorite parenting coach and author, Susan Stiffelman called Parenting Without Power Struggles.
One of the tools she reminded us to use is the turnarounds, which is part of the beautiful exercises created by Byron Katie in her books and website thework.com.
Using the turnarounds as parents and caregivers means that we need to notice the assumptions we have about our kids and then turn them around by living on their planet for a little while.
For example, if we say: “My kids should listen to me the first time I call them to get ready for bed” instead, we say: “My kids shouldn’t listen to me the first time I call them to get ready for bed” and then we add justifications why this turnaround makes sense; why, in their planet, they are right.
Here are some great reasons why the turnaround is also true:
They shouldn’t listen because playing is more fun than sleeping.
They should not listen because they do not like to sleep while adults are still awake.
They shouldn’t listen because they want to spend more time with us.
They should not listen because their prefrontal cortex, responsible for their logical reasoning, is still developing, and it will continue to do so until their early twenties. They can’t easily associate lesser sleep with their overall wellbeing and mood the next day.
They should not listen because they only live in the now and don’t see how sleeping late is a problem.
They should not listen because they still see it daylight outside, especially with daylight saving, so it does not make sense for them to sleep before nightfall.
Do you see how our expectations and the shoulds we impose on our kids could make us all miserable?
If only we pause and remember why they are also right to feel what they feel and not do what we say, right away, we will be a little more patient with them and take time to acknowledge their disappointment for stopping their fun activities. We will tell them we know it’s hard to stop, listen to them as they try to negotiate their way out, notice as they express their angry resistance, and finally reach acceptance.
Our job as parents is to let go of our expectations of how our kids should respond to our requests by anticipating their reactions and be ready for their no and non-cooperation, even taking it into account time-wise before transitions.
I also got beneficial advice from a workshop I took with the fabulous mothers’ coach and friend Muna Shakour, who said, “Just accept the fact that you will keep reminding them to brush their teeth, possibly until they are ten years old.” “Embracing this reality”, she advised, “will remove frustration from our constant evening reminders”.
Being ready for kids to behave as kids by using the turnarounds technique is terrific and releases you from the grip of an ideal picture you are holding onto that could cause damage to your precious relationship.
What turnarounds could you apply about a belief you have?
Think of your situation and the should you believe about it, turn the should around by negating it, then make a list of reasons the turnaround makes sense.
As I reflected on the last year, a theme that I had not anticipated emerged.
It’s self-trust.
I now trust that when I set powerful intentions, they come true, even if the how is not clear yet. By setting the intention to monetize my work at the beginning of the year, opportunities I never heard of presented themselves, and I got hired for the first time to teach my work.
By launching my first workshop at the end of the year, I now trust that I can generate income if I leave my job and start my own business.
I now trust that when I believe my work is worth so much, the universe agrees and I receive from sources I do not expect. For example, someone paid me back some money I gave a year ago on the same day of the workshop launch.
Now that it’s finally a habit, I now trust that meditation helps sharpen my intuition.
I also now trust my intuition more than ever; my gut feeling told me someone was bad news, and it was right.
I now trust that affirmations work, specifically repeatedly writing them in the morning.
I now trust that when I respect my menstrual cycle and rest more, I achieve more.
I now trust that when I start typing, meaningful words will appear, eventually.
What were the highlights of your week? If nothing was your first answer, think again.
I am sure you made some kind of progress, received an insight or kindness from others, or were kind to others who needed it.
Maybe you were more patient than usual or smiled to strangers or shared something powerful with your friends.
Maybe you saved money or called someone or visited someone sick.
Perhaps you spent good time with your family, or homework time was easy for a change, or your kids(s) slept at 7pm or pulled an all-nighter for the first time (yeey!) ?
I hope you did well in your exams or studied hard for them.
I guess you might have had an exceptional meal or two? Or someone cooked for you?
It’s possible you got sick, and you can’t really remember anything about last week, but you really appreciate your health more, and will make sure your body would get the rest and nourishment it needs from now on.
There is a lot to be grateful for, the key is to notice those moments right when they happen, which will double their positive impact. You feel good when you become aware of them AND when you reflect on them.
Note: I shared this first in mynewsletter The Sunday Spark, see archive and subscribe here
This is an excerpt from a wonderful book I read 4 years ago called book “How to Live a Good Life” by Jonathan Fields about a life quest the perplexes most people which is defining their passion and purpose. I learned from Jonathan and the author Elizabeth Gilbert and many others that we can only follow our curiosity as a guide to find things we enjoy doing with passion, so here it goes:
“Time for you to spark yourself! What are the things that you want to invest time, energy, money, and effort to do, learn, or participate in more? Answer as many of the following questions as you can. Truth is, it’s often easier to have fewer sparks, because then you spend less time trying to decide which to devote time and effort to. You can still contribute to the world in a way that lights you up.
If you find yourself struggling to answer for present-day you, answer for 12-year-old you. Sometimes by the time we reach adulthood, our true sparks are buried so deep we have forgotten how to see them. Reconnecting with your inner 12-year-old, without regard to whether adult society holds your answers valid, can be a great place to start.
Am I curious about anything in particular?
Is there a big question I’d love to answer?
Is there a problem I feel compelled to solve?
Are there things that fascinate me? Is there a topic or field or thing or pursuit or even a person that I have a deep yearning to know more about?
Are there activities that I get lost in?
Are there things I love to do where I lose track of time and would pay to be able to do more?
Is there something I want to master? Is there an art or field or pursuit I’d love to be really good at, maybe even world-class great?
Is there some person or community or being I feel compelled to help? It doesn’t have to be human; it could be an animal, a plant, or even a planet.
Look at your answers, then ask how you might be able to weave more of the things that spark you into your days.“
Note: Spark Yourself is the title of the chapter I took this excerpt from. I totally forgot how amazing this book was until Readwise app reminded me of it.
I love the word Spark which is why I named my weekly newsletter “The Sunday Spark”, subscribe to it and check the archive here.
“Motion makes you feel like you’re getting things done. But really, you’re just preparing to get something done. When preparation becomes a form of procrastination, you need to change something. You don’t want to merely be planning. You want to be practicing.”
-James Clear
I love this idea so much by James Clear in Atomic habits. Reading it for the first time was a lightbulb moment for me. I do love my motion so much. I spend so much time planning and tracking. Being aware of the difference, however, helped me realize I may be acquiring clarity but not actually making progress towards my goals.
This week, after a super first quarter of the year, I gave myself permission to enjoy motion only. I spent my mornings doing the first quarterly review of the year on 2 different planners, mind you, plus re-thinking and re-writing of my goals for the second quarter, and simply reading. I did not record a new podcast episode. I did not create a mid-week post for Instagram. I just enjoyed the motions.
This on-purpose break is the exact thing I needed. I’ll make it happen more often, maybe this is how each quarter should actually start. As a result, I am definitely feeling more ready to jump into action again.
While I set a superb evening ritual earlier this year, the changes in the local lockdown hours, and consequently working hours, had me mess it up and it is an area I want to improve in quarter 2 of the year. For example, I used to have lunch at work, now with lunch break cancellation at work to leave earlier, I started having lunch in the evenings so I come home feeling too hungry to take a walk.
Moreover, I have written the ritual steps here in my blog and in my planner, but they were nowhere to be seen at the house. I did not make the steps visible enough, I did not repeat them enough, so I simply forgot them.
Starting this month:
I will write the evening ritual steps on several post-it notes and place them in different rooms around the house like the kitchen, bedroom and learning room (laundry room/home office/study room). This will help me know what I need to do next.
I will also fine tune my habits according to the updated, albeit temporary, working hours. For instance I started taking oatmeal with me again to work to avoid the evening hunger that tempts me to skip walking.
I already track some habits of my evening routine daily, like story time with kids, but maybe I need to dedicate one sheet of my habit tracker to the evening routine steps in order to make crossing off each item rewarding. I will try it and report back.
Note: Michael Hyatt uses the term preview not review on purpose because in this practice we are not just reviewing the past, we are also preparing for a better week ahead based on the insights we gain. So without further ado here it is:
The Weekly Preview Practice according to Full Focus Planner by Michael Hyatt.
I mentioned in my evening ritual post that I like to end the day with reflecting on the day using the five-minute gratitude journal which has an evening section consisting of 2 prompts:
3 Amazing things that happened today…
How could I have made today even better?
I am happy I built my gratitude habit so well that I find it so easy to answer question one. I still get stuck sometimes answering question 2 because sometimes I really feel I gave it all I got that day. That’s why I try to ask myself this question in a different way, making it more specific, like:
How might I have been harsh, uncaring, unfriendly, or unkind today?
Below are some other good reflecting questions shared by Ryan Holiday to give yourself a pat on the back on the progress you are making.
What bad habit did I curb today?
How did I improve today?
More reflections questions I loved (and shared here before) from the author Tasha Eurich
What went well?
What didn’t work?
What did I learn from this?
How will I be smarter tomorrow or next time I face this?
The internet is full of good questions to use for reflection, do not overwhelm yourself. What is important is you start this end-of-day reflection habit. Choose one to three questions only to answer every night to make the habit as small as possible so you would stick to it. Keep your reflection journal on your pillow so you will see it when you go to bed and remember to do it.
We practice goal setting all the time in business settings. If you’re an employee you usually receive your goals every year or every six months, which would align with the strategic goals of the company. At the end of the semester, you review your achievements with your boss against the defined goals, you discuss what worked, what didn’t, and why.
However, we usually coast through our personal lives, letting things happen to us and reacting as necessary. We are not charting our own paths to where we want to go. We are walking pre-defined paths for us. That’s why our days and years look a lot like each other. We are not living goal-oriented lives, we are not living on purpose. This gap in goal setting between our work life and personal life was an insight that clicked for me in a conversation with a business leader and a mentor I’m lucky to have met called Iman Mutlaq. I’ll be always grateful for helping me notice this.
It’s true, many of us set new year’s resolutions, but resolutions without a plan are not goals, they are only hopes and aspirations, and that’s why they fail by mid-February.
Lucky for you, I have good news. Goal setting can be done anytime. You can do it at the beginning of each year, on your birthday, every month, every quarter, or whenever you decide to pursue something new. As Lara Casey always says: “There is nothing magical about January 1st“.
In this series, I will share with you what I have learned about goal setting from my favorite authors on the subject Michael Hyatt and Lara Casey.
This Post is part 1 of 4.
Goal Setting Starts in the Past.
Your past has only one value, learning from it. Reviewing your past will help you design the right goals for yourself. If you start goal setting by reviewing the past you’re more likely to set meaningful goals that you will invest time and effort to achieve.
First: Do a Life Audit
Our lives are multi-faceted as Michael Hyatt asserts. Our lives are not just our careers or health or families. These life domains are all connected. When we’re not doing well in one domain of our life we can feel it impacting the satisfaction we have in other areas.
We start the life audit by rating the key life areas on a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 means you are not satisfied and want to see a big change there and 10 means you’re happy with how you’re showing up in this domain. While at it, write a few words about the reason you selected the score for each domain. State facts and how you feel, honesty is key here because the opportunity for improvement starts taking shape now, the lowest scores indicate the bigger opportunity to make a change.
Life domains are differently grouped depending on the writer, you can add categories or remove those that don’t apply to you. Feel free to make your own life categories that work for your unique life.
The categories I recommend are:
Health: How you feel about your body.
Mental/Emotional: How you feel about your psychological well-being.
Relationships: How you feel about your relationship to:
Spouse/Significant other
Friends
Family
Finances: Your personal or family’s financial situation
Work: Your job, your 9-5, and side projects.
Spiritual Growth: Your connection to God.
Learning: Your educational development.
Personal Environment: Your home and work environment.
Fun & Recreation: Your hobbies, playtime, relaxation, and adventure experiences.
Service & Contribution: how you serve the world/volunteering.
You can also take an assessment I really like by Michael Hyatt to assess how you are generally doing in life’s different domains by answering a series of helpful questions. Make sure to save your answers so you can go back to them after a while. I guarantee you will see improvements after you commit to setting goals in areas where your satisfaction was the lowest.
Second: Evaluate your past.
Select how far you’d like to go in your past, 6 months, one year, 3 years? Answer accordingly.
I assumed you want to go back one year and wrote the tips accordingly:
Start with the positive: While our human tendency is to remember the negative first, it is recommended to start with the good. This will help us have the energy to complete the past exercise. Write a list of the wonderful things that happened to you. What are you most proud of? What worked well last year? A few ways to remember:
You can consult your family and friends to remind you of your highlights
You can check your social media posts to remember
You can go through your camera roll.
You can check your calendar or planner.
You can check your goals from last time, and celebrate what’s done.
You can check your past financial statements, this will remind you of your priorities and events.
Name the challenges: Write a list answering questions like what did not work this past year? What disappointments or regrets did you experience? What goals did you want to achieve but did not? What were some blocks you faced? What achievements did you want to be acknowledged for but were not? It is hard to write our answers here. But power through it. This list will guide your focus when you set your goals, your challenges are your biggest opportunities for improvement.
Distill the lessons: What did the positive and the negative from the past year teach you? Make them into short sentences of wisdom that you can repeat over and over to yourself.
Third: State what you are grateful for.
Gratitude time: Write the names of people who helped you during this past year. Find a way to thank them for specific things they did for you or ways they stood by you. Feeling gratitude is one thing, expressing it to those who caused it is an another level. They will be so surprised, and you are going to make someone’s day.
Bonus Step
Identify your hidden opportunity. The opportunity principle states that feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment are strongest where the chances for corrective action are clearest. Consider your setbacks this past year, and brainstorm how they might point you toward your next opportunity.
Now you are ready to move on to the next step of goal setting which is: dreaming about the future.
New post coming up soon.
I’m deeply grateful to Michael Hyatt and Lara Casey for all that they taught me about Goal Setting that I have shared in this blog post.
You can listen to this blog post in Arabic through episode 7 of my podcast: