advice

Why do we quit New Year’s Resolutions?

Bardees, , 1 Comment

It’s February, and this is when studies say 80% of people quit their New Year’s Resolutions. I wrote this post to help you be in the 20%.

We have three main challenges when it comes to sticking to resolutions.

The Future Self Problem:

The future self problem has been discovered by professor Hal Hershfield through MRI studies of the human brain, which showed that certain areas in the human brain get activated when you think of your current self; however, when you think of a celebrity whom you like but have never met; other brain areas get activated. Interestingly, those same areas light up when you think of yourself in 10 years. We see our future selves as people we’re familiar with and like, but strangers, nevertheless, whom we don’t know or even genuinely care about.

The Temporal Discounting Problem:

The human brain has evolved to prefer instant rewards over future ones as a survival mechanism that served our ancestors well in the wilderness. We learned to place a higher value on the present, so we discount the value and importance of the future. That’s why we stay up late and regret it the second day. The current night self ignores the morning self, putting it in trouble.

These two challenges become prominent when it comes to habits. We keep on making unhealthy choices because the rewards are instantaneous; we feel the dopamine in our bodies when we have a piece of cake or join a group for a cigarette outside. However, the consequences of negative habits are delayed; they happen to someone we don’t care about, our future lookalike. On the other hand, as James Clear explains in Atomic Habits, positive habits are a bit painful in the present; they require us to stretch those muscles, withhold spending money, or experience some discomfort. In contrast, their advantages to our overall well-being are delayed. Accordingly, not seeing the immediate positive impact of new habits, by February, for example, makes us quit our New Year’s resolutions too soon.

Perfectionism:

We quit because we demand of ourselves a 100% that nobody asked of us. We can not tolerate 80% or 60%. It’s the very familiar all-or-nothing mindset, the 100% or 0%, as Jon Acuff shares in Finish. We often think if we hadn’t committed well so far today, or this week, or this month, we might as well forget about the whole thing. We self-sabotage, thereby dismissing any little progress we made. And that’s a trap that we can easily fall into if we are not paying attention.

What should we do to overcome these hurdles?

That’s my post for tomorrow.

Why do we quit New Year’s Resolutions?

What are you missing by choosing to worry?

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When I think about my upcoming week and how my evenings will also be all about working with my 3rd grader on her 2nd monthly assessments, I get discouraged and feel I want to skip right to Thursday, my easiest evening.

Then I remind myself of question #6 from 12 (Stoic) Questions That Will Change Your Life by Ryan Holiday, which says:

“What am I missing by choosing to worry or be afraid?”

The answer is, I am missing the fact that she still depends on me for her school work and that it’s going to be sooner than I expect when she would tell me, “I got it, mum, thank you”. I am missing the chance to feel how amazing that I am managing my job and Amman’s crazy traffic to be home on time for her and get our heads together to focus on the task at hand.

I also think about question 10:

“Does this actually matter?”

And my answer is that in the big picture, this doesn’t matter. Yes, I have 1 or 2 weeks of full evenings every few weeks; but as long we are recovering after, we are going to be just fine. I’ll take it one evening at a time.

I am also reminding myself that we had more fun than usual this weekend and we chose to study less than our normal dose. Having fun matters, and it made the weekend feel nicely longer.

Parents with older kids, I can guess what you’re thinking: “Wait till grade X then start talking”. Well, this is where I am right now and this is how I am coping.

I hope these questions will help you feel better too. Let’s take this one day at a time, which happens to be the title of a cool comedy on Netflix.

Note: this post appeared first in my weekly newsletter The Sunday Spark, sign up here.

What are you missing by choosing to worry?

What does an intentional day look like?

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A powerful, productive day filled with intentional action starts the night before. When you sleep with the intention of waking up early to take care of your physical, mental and spiritual life before starting your day’s work.

First thing in the day, you put your priorities on your schedule by dividing your time into blocks of focus, administrative work, communication and breaks and try your best to commit to them. When you get interrupted by an unplanned meeting or new urgent task, you check your schedule and see what you can shift to accommodate this new task. Such a day doesn’t have room for questions like “what should I do next?” Next is already planned. It does not allow for going into a rabbit hole of open tabs and app notifications.

While working, your phone is silent and only important calls can get through. You listen to great focus-inducing music, without lyrics, obviously, to avoid triggering distracting thoughts and emotions.

If you feel you are avoiding a boring but must-do task that does not need your brain power but just some time to finish, you make it more fun by playing upbeat music or great podcasts to accompany you.

You take breaks. You stretch your legs. You have lunch with your colleagues and talk about nonwork stuff, you go for a short walk and come back refreshed. You end the work day by following a ritual that makes sure you close all open loops, marking what’s next for each project you worked on exactly to get you started the next day easily.

I believe you can reset your day whenever you choose to. I always feel that a quick call with a friend and a short walk could work like a restart button for my day, especially when I get stuck in a fire-fighting mode or in unproductive thoughts.

Keeping your planned schedule in front of you can also help guard your time and get it back on track. You can begin your day anew by saying no to interruptions or new requests when possible, or by delaying your response until you are done with your most important work.

As someone smart said, other people’s lack of planning does not have to be your emergency.

What does an intentional day look like?

Compared to last year

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During my weekly preview call with my accountability partner last week, I got a huge insight that I kept reflecting on since then, and wanted to share with you here.

Keen as always, she noticed that I had a pattern lately in the way I talked, so she was kind enough to hold up the mirror for me to see it. It was the comparison trap again, this time with my 2020 self.

The year 2020 was indeed a big year for me. I had the luxury of time, especially during quarantine, which helped me get goals moving forward like launching my podcast and The Power of Now video series, in addition to decluttering my home among other achievements. In our recent calls, I kept repeating the sentence: “Compared to last year, I felt happier, things were more exciting, I did more…etc.”

She gently asked me to notice this and to remind myself that every year comes with its own elements. It is not fair to myself to overlook the consistent and hard efforts I’ve been putting forth this year. Moreover, the exposure I am lucky to have this year is way bigger than last year’s.

Yes, we do compare ourselves to others and most times it doesn’t feel great, but we can be really hard on ourselves when we compare our current selves to our past selves who lived different seasons which we may or may not live again.  

Another note we discussed was that perhaps starting things is more exciting than keeping at them, and that’s where discipline and remembering our why comes in. I also need to ask myself “How can I bring joy to this moment?” more often and act on the answer, and definitely pat myself on the back kindly saying: “Well done, Bardees, you have come a long way”.

Say it to yourself please: “Well done, (your name) you have come a long way.”

Happy Back-to-School Season by the way.

Compared to last year

September is the Other January

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As I was writing today’s date on my journal I thought about this amazing quote by Gretchen Rubin “September is the other January”. I read it in her book “Happier at Home” a few years ago and loved it ever since.

Gretchen Says:
“September marks the start of a new year, with the empty calendar and clean slate of the next school cycle. Even if you are no longer in school yourself, September nevertheless remains charged with possibility and renewal.”

Continue reading “September is the Other January” →
September is the Other January

How helpful are your comments?

Bardees, Leave a comment

The other day, I noticed I was being negative when I complained to others and in my head about someone being late to a dinner gathering. The complaining went something like this, “Where are they? Why aren’t they here yet? They usually arrive early, why so late this time (when I am so hungry?)”. I remembered that being hungry usually got me edgy. Therefore, I decided to get some food in me, so I would be more pleasant for the rest of the evening. It worked.

That’s what happens when our self-awareness expands. We become more sensitive about how we behave and catch ourselves early when we act negatively. We notice that unhelpful comments we make left and right are probably polluting the space we share with other people.

Let’s think before we speak and take ownership of how we feel without whining to have our owns issues magically fixed by others, just like we did when we were kids.

We are adults now.

How helpful are your comments?

What to do when you don’t like your job?

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When you don’t like your job that waking up in the morning becomes a burden, you might need to change your job. We spend so much of our days at work, that means you need to enjoy what you do at least half of the time.

It’s a fact, we all get tasks and bosses we don’t like. But if all your tasks feel painful, and all your interactions with your boss seem horrible, you need to seriously consider finding a new job.

Your job does not have to be your calling or the reason you were born. Even those do who find their passion in life are advised not to quit their day job to relieve themselves of the pressure of making money off their passion. At least, not until they can match their current income or exceed it. Elizabeth Gilbert was the best to talk about the difference between a job and calling. You can have both.

Finding a new job is a challenge and you need to be actively seeking new opportunities and putting yourself out there. You also need to be patient until you get that new job that excites you, where you excel and shine.

But what should you do until then?

What if changing your job is not an option at the moment, and you still hate it?

  • Remember your why of keeping this job: What freedoms, privileges, possessions do you currently enjoy because of your job and the money you’re making?
  • Remember the value you add to your workplace with the role you have. If you don’t see it, think what would happen if you are gone, will you be missed?
  • If you don’t think you will be missed, that means you need to step up. Create new tasks to start adding value in a way that only you, with your personality and experience, can add.
  • You can make those tasks the reason you start liking your job, let them be play to your strength points.
  • Think about the people you interact with on a daily basis, you are in each other’s lives temporarily, and for a reason. How can you interact with them in a genuine and meaningful way?
  • How can you make your coworkers’ lives easier, starting with your boss? Be proactive and surprise them with your thoughtful actions.

What to do when you don’t like your job?

Two-Step Verification

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Just please. Activate it on all your important apps and spare yourself and people around you unnecessary future trouble. Check the security settings on your apps. Do it now, it will only take few minutes.

Two-Step Verification

You can do it all

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You can do it all, but not at once.
This is a piece of wisdom that I frequently go back to. The first time I heard it was probably from Oprah. Still, every time I hear it, it feels like news to me and like a soothing balm to my anxious yearnings.

The amazing Derek Sivers reminded me of it in his interview with Tim Ferriss. He said this is the advice he would give to his 30-year-old self. At that age we feel paralyzed by too many choices and the fear of choosing the wrong thing. What Derek says is just choose something, stick with it for a few years, then switch to something else.

I meet a lot of 30 year olds who are trying to pursue many different directions at once, but not making progress in any, right? Or they get frustrated that the world wants them to pick one thing because they want to do them all. I get a lot of this frustration like, “But I want to do this and that and this and that. Why do I have to choose? I don’t know what to choose.” But the problem is if you’re thinking short term, then you’re acting as if you don’t do them all this week that they won’t happen. But I think the solution is to think long term, to realize that you can do one of these things for a few years and then do another one for a few years and then another.
-Derek Sivers

A book I recommend that mentions this idea is Designing Your Life, the authors call it prototyping Odyssey plans. Here is an excerpt for you.

We’re going to ask you to imagine and write up three different versions of the next five years of your life. We call these Odyssey Plans.

Life One—That Thing You Do. Your first plan is centered on what you’ve already got in mind—either your current life expanded forward or that hot idea you’ve been nursing for some time. This is the idea you already have—it’s a good one and it deserves attention in this exercise.

Life Two—That Thing You’d Do If Thing One Were Suddenly Gone. It happens. Some kinds of work come to an end. Almost no one makes buggy whips or Internet browsers anymore. The former are out of date and the latter are given away free with your operating system, so buggy whips and browsers don’t make for hot careers. Just imagine that your life one idea is suddenly over or no longer an option. What would you do? You can’t not make a living. You can’t do nothing. What would you do? If you’re like most people we talk with, when you really force your imagination to believe that you have to make a living doing something other than doing That Thing You Do, you’ll come up with something.

Life Three—The Thing You’d Do or the Life You’d Live If Money or Image Were No Object. If you knew you could make a decent living at it and you knew no one would laugh at you or think less of you for doing it—what would you do? We’re not saying you suddenly can make a living doing this and we can’t promise no one will laugh (though they rarely do), but we are saying imagining this alternative can be a very useful part of your life design exploration.
-Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life

I’ve never done this exercise before but maybe it’s time I do.

You can do it all

Fear encore

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Last week I watched Seth Godin in a LIVE Q&A session where someone asked him what to do about fear of failing in their new small business. Seth answered beautifully (and I am paraphrasing) to write down the worst case scenario if they go for it and how they can be prepared if it does, and to also write the best case scenario. Then, Seth said that both scenarios probably wouldn’t happen, but now we are better prepared if they do. Back to work.

This is the same advice that Tim Ferriss gave in his TED talk encouraging us to set fears instead of goals.

You can do Tim Ferris’s fear-setting exercise here and read more about it in this amazing article he wrote

One last thing, I would like you to notice with me how yesterday’s post and today’s are basically telling us the same thing: WRITE down your fears. Unless you face them and see what they are trying to say; you would remain paralyzed.

Fear encore