Here is a question I liked in The Daily Stoic Journal and my answer to it:
What would happen if I took a second to cool down?
I listened to a beautiful podcast episode about self-talk, where psychologist Ethan Kross shared that positive self-talk works better when addressing yourself in the third person or using “you” instead of “I,” according to his research. So, if your name is Tala, your self-talk should go like: “You got this, Tala” instead of “I got this.” This method is called distancing, and it works better for motivation.
Also, we can try superhero self-talk. Kids can significantly benefit from this technique when performing a difficult task. They think of a favorite superhero character and then talk to themselves like this: “Super Tala, you got this; you did harder stuff than this; you can do it.”
We might notice we are not kind in our self-talk after making a mistake, so here is the part where we need self-compassion practice.
The one and only Kristin Neff joined the conversation with three steps to practice self-compassion, which, unlike what you would think, makes us more resilient and confident rather than lenient.
I found this helpful episode this morning after having a hard time in extreme Monday morning traffic that added 30 minutes to my daily drive. I really wanted to blame someone for it, but mindfulness helped me notice the intensity of my anger. I kept practicing the psychological sigh: two breaths in through the nose and a long one out of the mouth until I felt better.
As I listened, I noticed I was missing steps 2 and 3 from the self-compassion practice in my car this morning. Alas, I will use them next time.
Will you?
If a phone ring makes your spine crawl, something has to change.
Are you worried you will receive another request from a client, manager, colleague, or partner?
This visceral reaction could be one of the following:
The underlying feeling of resentment is surprise, surprise, envy, not anger, as Brene Brown revealed in her book Atlas of the Heart. You feel resentful because you want to experience what others are experiencing.
For example, if you resent someone for resting, it’s not about being angry they are not doing their share of the workload; it’s because you want to rest.
If you resent someone for dressing nicely, it’s because you want to dress nicely too, not because you are angry they are wasting their money.
David Allen said he felt the phone call spine crawl at some point, which means his business burdened him because he felt the transaction with the calling client was unfair; his company was doing more than they were getting paid for. So, how did they solve it? They raised their prices, and the phone call dread went away.
Where do you feel resentment in your life?
What do you feel is missing?
What do you want more of? And less of?
Sitting for a few minutes and writing answers will help you define where you need to ask for help.
Is it the kids’ homework, the house chores, or the monthly report?
Do you feel resentful because other people are having alone time, seeing their friends, or traveling?
These feelings can turn into goals with action plans. They could be conversation starters with significant people about support and what it looks like for you. These feelings could be your signal to learn to say no and to ask for more.
How can you make an easy wish happen soon?
Do you need connection time? Plan that coffee date with your friend.
Is your body aching and needs movement? Look at the week ahead week and allocate time for walking, or better yet, with a friend; health and relationship goals in one.
Resentment is a masked wish for change. Listen to it with curiosity; it is here for guidance.
As I reflected on the last year, a theme that I had not anticipated emerged.
It’s self-trust.
I’m waiting for a shipment to arrive from abroad.
I’ve checked the shipping application several times, even though experience taught me this app’s delivery estimates are never accurate. Yes, the application is good for telling me something is on the way and to pay for shipping charges, but that is about it.
Why am I still checking it?
It’s desire.
Once the shipment is here, I’ll open it in 10 seconds, admire it for 2 minutes, start using it a few days later, and then my life will change. Right?
Of course not.
That’s what my mind wants me to believe, though.
My mind wants me to live in the future where I own that item, and I feel better about my life. It wants me to escape the present, the ordinary, a bit dull, present. My mind nudges me to grab the phone, one more time, and open that useless application as if it can speed up that fantasy future.
Wanting is resisting the present, and I choose to love my life as it is now, shipment or not.
I wish I would remember this question right when challenging situations arise in my life, not after them.
This question transfers us almost instantly to an elevated state of being. It re-orders consequences and gives us perspective. It shines a spotlight on the ripple effect of a yes, a no, or an outburst.
Asking this question brings forth the more powerful, rational, and empowered version of ourselves. We ask that best version or Self with big s to take over. We ask the Self to protect us from falling into the temptations of immaturity, impulsivity, and immediate gratification.
We need to remember that we have that Self inside of us at all times. We can call upon it using powerful questions like this one.
For good measure, I would add a little prayer, too.
Last Sales Talk Tuesday, I shared with the team the beautiful word Sonder, which I first heard about from my mentor Seth Godin. Connecting with people is easier when we understand Sonder.
This definition by the dictionary of obscure sorrows is my favorite:
Sonder
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
It perfectly aligns with a beautiful compassion exercise I learned from the amazing teacher Pema Chodron called Just like Me which the spiritual teacher Ram Dass explains below so eloquently:
Now, allow wishes for well-being to arise:
So powerful.
I notice myself flourishing in the presence of some people. I make my best jokes, I feel light, I feel at ease, I feel understood, I feel at my best. I can count the number of those people on my hands. They are rare.
The question is, how can I be like this for others?
I remember an exercise we did a few years a go with a mentor where we were requested to practice listening more to the people in our lives. Whenever they struck up a conversation. We needed to listen attentively, hold back from switching the subject, and notice our urge to interrupt and talk about ourselves. If it’s the right time and place, we also needed to offer the space for them to continue their thought process, with as little probing as possible, until they figure out what they needed to do next all by themselves.
Being very similar to the exercise I mentioned in this post, it was such a hard experience to implement.
Try it and see firsthand the insights that will reveal themselves to you. Simply witnessing the urge to take the microphone and be under the spotlight is something totally worth catching.
If you get asked, answer shortly and then kick the ball back into their court. Make them the guru not you. Wonder what they could teach you. Listen with the purpose of learning something new about them and their worldview and maybe a useful fact or two. Be open and curious. Trust me, they will feel it and open up to you. They will feel you not rushing them so you’d take your turn to speak. For example, If my conversation partner tells me they are starting to wake up early and share their routine, I need to resist the urge to tell them I’ve been doing that since 2016 and have a whole thing around this habit.
It’s been a while since I practiced this, so it’s time I activated my listening muscle again. I think it grew weaker lately. Join me and let me know how it goes with you.
Keep the spotlight shining on them.
The other day, I lost my car key.
I was leaving for work and waiting for my car to open as usual by having my key in my bag, but it did not because it was not there.
I remembered that I last used it in the evening before to get my lunch leftovers from work to offer the stray cat that visits us every day (I’m that nice, in case you didn’t know). I went back in and checked the house and the corssbody bag I was wearing in the evening- to put my phone in while walking and listening to an audiobook on my Bluetooth headset- with no luck. I looked everywhere, including the trash, where I put away the empty lunch bag. I was late to work by then, so my mother-in-law, who lives downstairs, graciously offered me her car for the day.
Later that day, after we got back home, my husband checked the security cameras for any clues about the key’s whereabouts. They proved I got in the house carrying it in my hand, which was a proud moment for security cameras’ footage being put to good use and all.
Continue reading “The day I lost my car key”It IS going to happen.
One minute you are in the “yes, oh my God, life is amazing” zone, the next minute you are not.
You might be able to recognize the trigger that caused you to leave that sweet zone, or you just can’t put your finger on it, not right away.
You keep asking: “Why am I not there anymore? Is it the cold/hot/windy/rainy/whatever weather, is it the not enough/too many hours I slept, a morning routine step I missed? A shift in my hormone levels? What happened? And why is their behavior irritating me again?”
Better questions I am learning from Tara Brach follow the RAIN acronym, from her book Radical Compassion:
Continue reading “RAIN ON ME”