Here is a question I liked in The Daily Stoic Journal and my answer to it:
What would happen if I took a second to cool down?
I listened to a beautiful podcast episode about self-talk, where psychologist Ethan Kross shared that positive self-talk works better when addressing yourself in the third person or using “you” instead of “I,” according to his research. So, if your name is Tala, your self-talk should go like: “You got this, Tala” instead of “I got this.” This method is called distancing, and it works better for motivation.
Also, we can try superhero self-talk. Kids can significantly benefit from this technique when performing a difficult task. They think of a favorite superhero character and then talk to themselves like this: “Super Tala, you got this; you did harder stuff than this; you can do it.”
We might notice we are not kind in our self-talk after making a mistake, so here is the part where we need self-compassion practice.
The one and only Kristin Neff joined the conversation with three steps to practice self-compassion, which, unlike what you would think, makes us more resilient and confident rather than lenient.
I found this helpful episode this morning after having a hard time in extreme Monday morning traffic that added 30 minutes to my daily drive. I really wanted to blame someone for it, but mindfulness helped me notice the intensity of my anger. I kept practicing the psychological sigh: two breaths in through the nose and a long one out of the mouth until I felt better.
As I listened, I noticed I was missing steps 2 and 3 from the self-compassion practice in my car this morning. Alas, I will use them next time.
Will you?
I am reading the brand new book All it Takes Is A Goal by one of my all-time favorite authors, Jon Acuff. He shared an idea I loved about how the objects we keep tell a story. We love the objects we own or want to own because they make us feel one of five feelings:
He used the example of his 64-pack of Crayola crayons set as an example of an object that makes him feel younger. I never considered my multiple coloring sets as objects that make me feel younger, but they do!
He mentioned that the Lego sets he assembles and collects are objects that make him feel young but also successful because, as a kid, Jon couldn’t afford to buy a toy like The Porsche Lego set that cost $400, but now he can.
Books are examples of objects that make him feel inspired. Don’t we all feel the same about books? He also mentioned a bowl of acorns he keeps on his desk because an acorn symbolizes potential, which is what all his excellent book is about.
Cool is something we define, like he humorously said, “Cool is the younger cousin of successful. They’re related, but not exactly the same”. Jon feels cool when he uses his notebook on a plane to write ideas.
Objects that make Jon feel connected could be mementos from family members, like the Bible his grandfather used to have, with his scribblings all over. Objects that make you feel connected could be reminders that you belong to a community, like a Harley motorcycle.
Jon invited us to use these feelings as filters when we buy new things and declutter our house. If an object does not invoke any of the above feelings, it may be time to let it go.
Just for fun, here are some objects I own for each category:
Did you like these object filters as much as I did?
Can you create a list of objects you own that make you feel terrific, then categorize them according to one of these five categories?
It’s a fun self-awareness exercise.
As I reflected on the last year, a theme that I had not anticipated emerged.
It’s self-trust.
Coming from an Industrial Engineering background and an excellent experience in Six Sigma projects, I like to catch defects in processes and improve them. Likewise, I enjoy noticing friction points in my day-day life and solving them. Studying and teaching Atomic Habits, in my podcast and videos lately, helped me hone this skill even better.
Here are some examples of solutions I implemented to friction points I had personally faced:
| Friction Point | Solution |
| I want to walk during working hours, but I wear heels. | Bring running shoes with me and use them in breaks. |
| Nobody wears running shoes at work; it will be weird. | Get comfortable all-black shoes suitable for walking and work like this one, keep them at work, and put them on for walks (my accountability partner’s suggestion). Or get over myself and the discomfort, maybe soon. |
| Not listening to podcasts on my new Airpods while taking a walk because I’m used to Bluetooth neckband headsets and fear Airpods would fall out. | Use a cheap Bluetooth headset for walks. |
| Getting hungry at work, eating unhealthy food, and the hassle of ordering the food. If I’m ordering food from a small place nearby, I don’t like thinking about what to eat, making the call to order it, or paying cash on delivery. If I’m ordering from an app, I don’t enjoy browsing to decide my meal, verifying my credit card using a one-time password, getting contacted by the delivery man to double-check the address, or receiving my meal at varying times. | Bring a lunch box of fruits and veggies to feel less hungry. Automate the food ordering process by subscribing to a healthy meals delivery service where I pay monthly, order weekly, and get contacted by the driver daily at about the same time to receive my meal. |
| Forgetting my phone charger at home or office. | Buy a second one. |
| Noise outside my office disrupts my focus. | Invest in a noise-cancellation headset and music. |
| Feeling sleepy and craving coffee after lunch, ordering coffee hassle, my favorite coffee not nearby. | I magically found this instant drip coffee option from one of my favorite coffee places. I buy a box of 10 packets every two weeks. |
| A 90-minute weekend class for my daughter, and the location is not near enough to return home. | Prepare a list of errands to cross off during the class or take a walk in the nearby area. |
| Looking for stuff around the house, losing stuff, getting late asking about stuff. | Have less stuff, less clothes, less socks, less toys and less paper. To do that, I need to turn decluttering into a habit, not a yearly project, which is my current focus. |
Did this list remind you of solutions you too can take action on?
Many times, the reason you are not committing to your habits is not that you’re not disciplined enough or too lazy. Instead, the habit is not easy enough, and that’s perfectly okay.
Embrace this simple law of habit change; make it easy. You are not too high-maintenance if you remove friction points. On the contrary, you are re-engineering your environment to improve your life.
As James Clear says:
The less friction you face, the easier it is for your stronger self to emerge. The idea behind make it easy is not to only do easy things. The idea is to make it as easy as possible in the moment to do things that payoff in the long run.
Find the friction points then solve them.
“Epictetus reminds us that we need to pay attention to what matters and to learn how to ignore so many of the relentless provocations that come our way.”
-The Daily Stoic Journal
Here is a current list of personal triggers:
Here is how I will ignore my petty provocations:
Here is an insight about the third one:
Here is how I will ignore this provocation:
3. Explaining something for the second time: Take a breath and use this as a chance to get creative in my communication style.
Provoactions ignored!
How about you? Are you aware of your triggers?
If you can’t change them, for now, how will you ignore them?
I’m waiting for a shipment to arrive from abroad.
I’ve checked the shipping application several times, even though experience taught me this app’s delivery estimates are never accurate. Yes, the application is good for telling me something is on the way and to pay for shipping charges, but that is about it.
Why am I still checking it?
It’s desire.
Once the shipment is here, I’ll open it in 10 seconds, admire it for 2 minutes, start using it a few days later, and then my life will change. Right?
Of course not.
That’s what my mind wants me to believe, though.
My mind wants me to live in the future where I own that item, and I feel better about my life. It wants me to escape the present, the ordinary, a bit dull, present. My mind nudges me to grab the phone, one more time, and open that useless application as if it can speed up that fantasy future.
Wanting is resisting the present, and I choose to love my life as it is now, shipment or not.
I wish I would remember this question right when challenging situations arise in my life, not after them.
This question transfers us almost instantly to an elevated state of being. It re-orders consequences and gives us perspective. It shines a spotlight on the ripple effect of a yes, a no, or an outburst.
Asking this question brings forth the more powerful, rational, and empowered version of ourselves. We ask that best version or Self with big s to take over. We ask the Self to protect us from falling into the temptations of immaturity, impulsivity, and immediate gratification.
We need to remember that we have that Self inside of us at all times. We can call upon it using powerful questions like this one.
For good measure, I would add a little prayer, too.
Last Sales Talk Tuesday, I shared with the team the beautiful word Sonder, which I first heard about from my mentor Seth Godin. Connecting with people is easier when we understand Sonder.
This definition by the dictionary of obscure sorrows is my favorite:
Sonder
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
It perfectly aligns with a beautiful compassion exercise I learned from the amazing teacher Pema Chodron called Just like Me which the spiritual teacher Ram Dass explains below so eloquently:
Now, allow wishes for well-being to arise:
So powerful.
It was a Saturday, I woke up feeling already overwhelmed by the back to back errands that all needed to get done that day. I felt I did not want to wake up. I felt that I wanted to hide under the bedsheets. I felt resistance, and even regret, due to committing to all this in one day because of a deadline the next day.
Then, I started to talk to myself gently. I put my hand on my heart and patted softly saying “It’s alright sweetheart, you can do this, it’s okay.” It really felt good. Just like we calm our children when they are having a hard time coping, we still have this inner child that stomps her feet whenever she feels too tired or not in the mood to go on. I observed my resistance and nurtured myself back to adulthood that morning.
I did not realize I even practiced self-compassion just like I learned in the book Radical Compassion until later in the day, this book got to me and I put it into action when the need arose. It is such a good book, and self-compassion never felt more clear to me than when I read this book. Give it a try.