“What the ego doesn’t want us to see is that our pain doesn’t come from the love we weren’t given in the past, but from the love we ourselves aren’t giving in the present.”

-Marianne Williamson

“If I think I’m unkind to you, I’m not comfortable within myself. I cause my own suffering, and I stop for my own sake. I take care of myself, and in that you, too, are taken care of. My kindness ultimately has nothing to do with you. We’re all responsible for our own peace.”

-Byron Katie

Marianne Williamson’s quote based on the teachings of “a course in miracles” stopped me in my tracks when I read it in my most favorite book “A return to love”; the only book I got copies from to gift to my friends.

Did it occur to you that when we are in pain in any of our relationships, feeling hurt and hate, withdrawing into ourselves and stonewalling the other, that it’s not because of what the other did or said? Not really. It’s because when that situation happened we took a decision. The decision to close our heart to them. To stop being loving and kind to them. They don’t “deserve” our love, we concluded. Let them feel how much they would miss our love.

This decision of closing the flow of love is one that is guaranteed to hurt the decision-maker first and foremost. We are in pain because we are blocking the natural state of our hearts that are supposed to be open to life and love all the time. Otherwise, we suffer.

Here is where Byron’s quote comes in, from her amazing book that I just finished “loving what is” -can’t believe how late I discovered this book but then again maybe this is the most ready version of myself for it- she’s saying when I am kind to you, it’s out of self-interest, I’m doing myself a favor when I speak nicely to you! If I’m unkind to you, however, this idea of “not being a kind person” will cause me very unnecassary suffering. Is it worth it?

Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean we keep unhealthy drama in our lives, we still let them go when it’s the right thing. But keeping our heart open means we wish them well far away from us. Easier said than done. We can’t do it without mindfulness and intention and most importantly faith in a power greater than our own.

As Katie says, we’re responsible for own peace of mind. So we keep re-opening our hearts no matter how hard the ego convinces us not to and lies to us that we would be better off . We act kindly and generously, because that’s who we are. We fail and go back to our old belief that hate works, then wake up and start again. We remove the blocks to love one mindful moment at a time and we turn them into bridges of connection. We return to love.