parenting

Your Kids Should NOT Listen to You, Here is Why

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I have taken a six-week course with my favorite parenting coach and author, Susan Stiffelman called Parenting Without Power Struggles.

One of the tools she reminded us to use is the turnarounds, which is part of the beautiful exercises created by Byron Katie in her books and website thework.com.

Using the turnarounds as parents and caregivers means that we need to notice the assumptions we have about our kids and then turn them around by living on their planet for a little while.

For example, if we say: “My kids should listen to me the first time I call them to get ready for bed” instead, we say: “My kids shouldn’t listen to me the first time I call them to get ready for bed” and then we add justifications why this turnaround makes sense; why, in their planet, they are right.  

Here are some great reasons why the turnaround is also true:

  • They shouldn’t listen because playing is more fun than sleeping.
  • They should not listen because they do not like to sleep while adults are still awake.
  • They shouldn’t listen because they want to spend more time with us.
  • They should not listen because their prefrontal cortex, responsible for their logical reasoning, is still developing, and it will continue to do so until their early twenties. They can’t easily associate lesser sleep with their overall wellbeing and mood the next day. 
  • They should not listen because they only live in the now and don’t see how sleeping late is a problem.
  • They should not listen because they still see it daylight outside, especially with daylight saving, so it does not make sense for them to sleep before nightfall. 

Do you see how our expectations and the shoulds we impose on our kids could make us all miserable?

If only we pause and remember why they are also right to feel what they feel and not do what we say, right away, we will be a little more patient with them and take time to acknowledge their disappointment for stopping their fun activities. We will tell them we know it’s hard to stop, listen to them as they try to negotiate their way out, notice as they express their angry resistance, and finally reach acceptance. 

Our job as parents is to let go of our expectations of how our kids should respond to our requests by anticipating their reactions and be ready for their no and non-cooperation, even taking it into account time-wise before transitions. 

I also got beneficial advice from a workshop I took with the fabulous mothers’ coach and friend Muna Shakour, who said, “Just accept the fact that you will keep reminding them to brush their teeth, possibly until they are ten years old.” “Embracing this reality”, she advised, “will remove frustration from our constant evening reminders”.

Being ready for kids to behave as kids by using the turnarounds technique is terrific and releases you from the grip of an ideal picture you are holding onto that could cause damage to your precious relationship.

What turnarounds could you apply about a belief you have? 

Think of your situation and the should you believe about it, turn the should around by negating it, then make a list of reasons the turnaround makes sense.

Thank me and my teachers later.

Your Kids Should NOT Listen to You, Here is Why

Gratitude Note

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This is a note of gratitude for the end of this unconventional school year. For homework-free weekends and evenings. For zero notifications from Google Classroom. For quiet parents’ WhatsApp groups. For possibilities and a real hope this is the last time our kids go through this kind of remote learning.

We did it.

Thank you teachers so much, you learned so many new skills in no time to keep the learning process as smooth as possible for our kids. Thank you for your massive efforts and patience with us.

Thank you my dear parents in law for taking care of our kids during their online school hours while we were at work and especially for the delicious meals.

My dear kids, I am so proud of you both. We went through so many ups and downs together, because while I love to teach what I learn, I found it so hard to teach you what you learn, especially in the first semester, when online teaching was so foreign to us all. Thank you for bearing with me as I learned what worked best for you and your energy levels and rhythms. Thank you dear daughter for being responsible and managing your classes while I was at work.

I love you both and cherish you. Summer break here we come.

Gratitude Note

Playtime Thoughts

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While Journaling this morning I noticed that during the recent 3-day family vacation I could easily play and act goofy with my kids.

One reason is their sweet age of 7 and 5, which means much less care-taking activities around the pool compared to previous years. During our stay, I looked at the toddlers’ pool with some admiration but more of a relief that I am skipping it along with the 10 visits to its bathroom.

Another reason I played more with them is not having the option of doing something else “more productive” around the house like laundry or cleaning. With my full-time job and occupied evenings of doing and submitting their homework I only get to play with them for a short time, but while playing I do not feel at ease, like I need to get going to the next thing on my list which might be their dinner or bedtime preparations.  Staying present in this case is a challenge for me and I know they could tell. However, this new-found awareness will help me start noticing the habitual, yet ignorable, unease during playtime. That’s what it is, an old habit of mine.

Another actionable insight I got is that I may need more help around the house, more than the current schedule of once-a-week visit by my mother’s helper, to be able to do other things like care-free play with the kids. True, this could be just an excuse I’m making for not playing more often. Or, based on how I felt in the last few days, it is exactly what I need.

Vacations are still a new dynamic for us as family. This change of routine and its impact on our relationships is why we need them.

Playtime Thoughts

A Snowy Day

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Those have become so rare in Jordan where I live that we got so crazy looking at the snowfall yesterday. My kids and I literally jumped up and down of joy while running from one window to another in the house to see the snowy view each one displayed.

This 24-hour storm gave me the chance to experience playing in snow with my kids aged 7 and 5 for the first time because it was their first! The energy they had was astonishing and adorable, especially my youngest. When we came back in the house, I realized he was all wet but never complained once because he was playing so hard.

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A Snowy Day

My First Brush With Positivity

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Do you remember the first self-help book you ever read? I do. It was the classic Norman Vincent Peale’s book The Power of Positive Thinking, translated to Arabic. I read it one summer when I perhaps was 14-15 years old at my grandmother’s house where I used to spend summers with my sisters. My aunt Stella bought it or borrowed it from someone. I remember being mesmerized by the idea that we need to pay attention to the quality of our thoughts. I remember my excitement reading it and enjoying this shiny new type of non-fiction books I got my hands on.

I usually give credit to reading the more recent controversial book The Secret for turning on the lights for me how my thoughts were powerful and that I needed to watch them. This classic book I read as a young teenager, however, was actually the first to tell me there were two kinds of life outlooks. The positive and the negative.

I now wonder why I had to stumble into a book to learn this key life lesson. How can I teach this skill to my kids? I believe the way I behave and talk to them and to myself infront of them is crucial in teaching them this view. But is it enough?

Thinking about this book today I realize I need to be more vocal about how to view our life’s ups and downs and let my kids find out the good news from their mummy first.       

My First Brush With Positivity